TRUTH OVER HARMONY. Even if that means calling someone "a dick".
Just two years ago I couldn’t imagine myself uttering these words to someone's face. As you probably know by now I’m highly sensitive and a trillion-percent-full empath. Yesterday when I said to an acquaintance that he was acting like a dick I reflected that I’ve come a long way. Yes, that was a high moment for me [confetti drop and a crowd cheering].
I used to be the woman who would always be all “I’m easy so we can do it your way. I don't mind” rather than put my foot down. Harmony was a high value to me. And the funny thing is, I kinda thought that was a more “evolved” thing to do. What I realised in recent years was that when someone acted in a way I wouldn’t (even if that hurt me), I tried to understand it first and foremost. This is how my INFJ brain works. It tries to see all the perspectives before taking any action. That Understanding, as much as insight-evoking, was a big obstacle keeping me from having an appropriate reaction at the moment. And guess what. People don’t act according to logic. They often act like jerks. And they should know it.
So plot twist, love. I was so wrong!
“Fuck you” or “You’re being a dick” is a perfectly evolved way to reply. It's my goal to become more fluent at saying this.
We’ve all been there. We had to experience this pain many times because we were so indoctrinated to be polite. It’s become normal to say YES when we mean NO and vice versa. Your path as a human (just like me) is to go through the stages of releasing the layers of unhelpful habits. Peeling them right off. But they hold on tight. They live in your muscle memory. You know it because before you can even think what to say, you’ve already agreed to a favour anyone asked. And on top of it you're offering more.
No, I didn’t just become rebellious or feisty over this time. It’s something else. It has all to do with my evolving self-awareness and my choice of living in truth. Because not living the truth is what brings us pain, stuckness in life, inability to follow our dreams, relationship problems and more… People need to be told when they're crossing your line. Otherwise how can they know?
Just recall if you had any of these situations. When a slight disagreement came up with someone close to you and you said something to make them feel good, even at your cost? Or when someone cancelled on you for another time with a lame-o excuse and all you said was “No problem. I understand happens”? Or someone invited themselves over to stay at your place and you agreed even if your gut was screaming silent NOOOOOooooo….! (Inspiration credit to my lovely client Jo Jo. Love you!).
Keeping harmony was an unconscious excuse for my brain not to speak up and set boundaries even for almost four decades of my life. Now I can see that at times all this understanding was just a waste of time which also made people take me for granted.
It is still not exactly rolling off my tongue to tell people they act like jerks, even though after years of setting boundaries, saying NO is not a problem. When you start experimenting with boundaries and living your truth, you will feel almost physical breaks stopping you from saying what you mean, right? Every next level is a new habit retraining.That’s why I’m in this Mind-body-soul business. Boundaries are not just a "mind" issue–it’s much more a mind-body issue than anything else. But the good news is that the more you live your truth, the easier it gets. FYI, I didn't feel the post-expression regret Kathleen Kelly described in You've got mail, because I wasn't trying to be mean. It's all about the intention. And in case my argument still hasn't convinced you, then you must know that it's also healthier to express authentically. Me and my past clients are a living proof of this.
To end this email what comes to me is a great quote that either I heard somewhere or just made up (because it should be a quote!). It goes something like “You become a more spiritual and empowered person when you learn to say fuck you to people”. So here's to re-shuffling values and priorities!
Cheers to us and this mighty work we're doing!
I’m happy to share that my podcast for all my sensitive, creative and visionary folks is up already! Lo and behold, here’s Cosmic Tickle!
This project makes me full and proud.
I have so many exciting ideas for how to make it as nourishing and thought-provoking as possible. Just for you, friend!
You can listen to the uploaded episodes on most of the podcasting platforms:
https://cosmictickle.buzzsprout.com
The latest episodes titles:
Connection through sharing your work
3 Big reasons you overthink (and how to stop it)
Why it’s so hard to stop caring about other people’s opinions
“Can Anxiety be a Good Thing?? New approach to dealing with anxiety”
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