Why Is It So Hard To Set A Boundary (And Stick To It?)

I have witnessed an interesting interaction lately. 

A family of 3 generations on the beach was doing whatever families do on vacation. The little vivacious girl wanted to do all the fun things that usually come to your mind when you’re about 5. She was trying to go deeper into the ocean, she was making all the acrobatic tricks and so on. She wanted to play with a dog that someone walked by with.

The mother was taking care of the girl, making sure she played safely. But what the grandma was doing, she was meddling. Despite the mom’s intent of trying to stop the girl from getting deeper into the ocean, the grandma kept encouraging the girl to go and have fun completely against the mum’s wishes. Mum was clearly uncomfortable and I assumed that the grandma must have been her mother-in-law.

At some point, the mum's patience reached the limit and she wanted to stop grandma’s meddling in protecting her daughter’s wellbeing. I could see the tension in her body reached a point, where if she could, she would be steaming through her ears like a boiling kettle.

Now, she tried to state the boundary. And she did this oh so painfully. It looked like she was suffering so badly when trying to draw the line. She mumbled something, squirmed, and after a while of absorbing the grandma's silent frown of disagreement, the mother just followed her daughter into the ocean to keep her company. Unfortunately, she gave in and didn’t keep her position. It was painful to watch...

I knew exactly how the mum felt. Do you as well? Have you been in a similar position?

Ok, so what’s the mechanism of this and how to change it?

95-97% of your choices come from your subconscious mind. Maybe that’s something you already know. So most people are at a loss by simply re-living the old choices over and over. The old habits live in your bodymind forcing you to do what you’ve done before and most importantly, to be the way you are used to being. And if you never been confident enough to stand your ground then it's hard to connect with that kind of felt experience. It takes a certain level of embodiment to hold onto the inner truth. If you can’t, you’re going to sway and wobble in all directions, but wouldn’t be able to anchor in your truth.

In this unsettled state, it is almost a viscerally painful effort to utter the words you need to when you want to speak your mind, right? We’ve all been there.

The thing is that your mindbody is your subconscious mind. Your body has memorised your past all too well… So using your mind alone, you have literally only 3-5% of success.

Whaaaaat? 

Yep, a measly 3-5%. No wonder it’s so hard to pull this off.

Now, dear reader, what would increase the rate of your success?

You need to engage your mind and the body together. 

It’s all about finding comfort in going against an outdated response and finding freedom in making a new choice. Sounds simple?

It’s not.

Especially not when you don’t know what I’m talking about.

It’s something that I teach with passion in my Embodied Reintegration. But if you choose to experiment on your own I suggest you start by:

• Slowing down the whole process,

• Allowing yourself to be completely present with yourself, and

• Anchoring deeply inside your body.

A lot of it comes down to finding the grounding that gives you the support you miss when feeling like you need to fight, defend and explain. You also support this empowered state by extending the space from the stimuli to the response. Usually, this is when you regain connection with your True Self.

It then becomes quite a simple act of following your choices and values, while being less about trying to manage the other person. From this space, you can consistently create life according to your integrity, aligned with your Authentic Self. Boundaries don’t have to be hard or harsh. When acting from an anchored perspective they feel light and natural.

Coincidently, people respect them more, when setting boundaries is about us, not about them.

If you’re interested in my Embodied Reintegration 1:1 coaching you can learn all about it here. 

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